Allah is with us.......

The doctor himself was amazed to see Mortoja's blood  reports today. He has achieved complete remission that is no more cancer cells are there........it's a miracle! If only we can carry on the rest of the cycles then we have a hope of getting Mortoja back completely safe and sound. We have come so far because of Allah's will...He is the one who creates miracles.........He is here by us in every step.............May He help us to go even further!!!

Mortoja's Infection is still there...........bills are high due to infection......the amount has stood  to 60 thousand dollars for 1 chemo cycle instead of 30 thousand. It's impossible to carry on traetment at Mount Elizabeth. We are making inquiries about the treatment cost at SGH (Singapore General Hospital) as we have heard the cost can be cut down over there.

A wounded soul

After four days of chemotherapy, Mortoja is finally back at home. He is very weak and his infection is giving him a hard time. he is on antibiotics now and this is only part of his second chemo cycle.

I read something like this somewhere and this is exactly how I feel now-a-days: I feel wounded. I feel wounded when I wake up every morning, I feel wounded when I work, I feel wounded when I eat, I feel wounded when I  talk or even when I smile and with these wounds in my soul I lie down at night again looking at the ceiling wondering why I've lost my power to cry............

I can't cry. No matter how hard I try it just doesn't come. I know until and unless I can cry my heart out I can't gather hope in my heart or I can't heal myself of this constant feeling of carrying a wounded soul. Oh Lord, please let me cry.......................

I got some good news today........Motoja's infection is finally coming under control.....I'm grateful to Allah...and thanks to all of you who have prayed for him :)

New infection

Mortoja is not responing to the antibiotics to control this infection. Doctors will change his antibiotic today.

My mum flew to Singapore two days ago and is with him now. I gave her a few pictures and videos of our baby as Mortoja was eager to see how baby was growing up. He told me to capture every new word, every new expression and every new thing she learnt. He doesn't want to miss out on any second of baby's growing up. The hospital provided a DVD. Mortoja watched for five minutes and requested to turn it off. He couldn't look at his baby. He just couldn't take it.

This is the baby he used to stay looking at hour after hour with amazement and awe in his eyes. Most of the time I saw him sitting by her side just looking at her....in the middle of the day or in the middle of the night when she was sleeping...........I used to yell don't look at her like that you'll wake her up....... My parents and his parents used to yell "don't look that way-nazar lagbe".....................now he can't even look at her for five minutes................

I wonder why and I wonder how our lives have come to change so much .....again I wonder how we are bearing all this. How I wish and wish all day that I will just wake up to see all of this is a nightmare..........I want to wake up and see mortoja sitting by the baby and looking at her with that same awe in his eyes................I've had enough of this ....I want to wake up....I want to wake up....i just want to wake up................

Updates

Thanks to tomal bhaia and mortoja's friend's in Australia we received about 1620 USD (BDT 113295) today.Thank You from the core of our hearts.

Mortoja was going under another chemo cycle and was supposed to be released as an outpatient on Saturday (15th May, 2010)but unfortunately he developed an infection....I'd like to request everyone to pray for him.

With hope in my heart

I don't remember the date.....i don't remember the month. All I remember is a starlit night full of dreams, a night with songs of happiness and a night full of love......more happiness than anyone in the world can ever imagine.Mortoja (my husband), Wadiyah (my baby)& I went out to eat that weekend. I don't know why, Mortoja suddenly wanted me to feel like a princess. He decided on taking me and baby to the most expensive restaurant in town. I was bubbling with joy.......

After dinner we walked home...under the sparkling stars, holding hands and the baby laughing away as hard as she could....."I've got good news", Mortoja said with a mysterious smile.....he had a gorgeous payraise. Maybe this is what heaven is like? Maybe I'm meant to be the happiest girl in the world, Maybe!

Maybe fate had something else in store for me.Everything hapenned as quick as lightening. Mortoja had a fever next night. Then a routine blood test. Then the hospital. Then ICU. I don't know what happened next...I really don't know. The only moment I remember from those days is my sitting in the doctor's chamber with the words ringing again and again, "your husband has leukemia"......................I don't know how I got out of the hospital....I don't know how I reached home..........that night I looked at the sky. The stars were all gone.....

The decision was quick. He was flown to Singapore as early as possible. Biphenotypic Leukemia- a name that shattered all my dreams, a name that left me alone, a name that left my baby searching for her papa all day, a name that has taken away those little drops of happiness, those little drops of joy and the stars form the starlit nights....... 

Today, after one month of chemo, I got the first glimpse of hope. Mortoja's bonemarrow test report is normal. Another 6 months of chemo may lead to complete recovery......and then a black shadow  we will need 1,80,000 singapore dollars or more..that's the price for my starry nights! That's the price for that urge to just hold his hand once again and feel like a princess.

But today I have hope in my heart. Maybe I can raise the amount. Maybe, my baby's papa will come back to see her taking her first steps, maybe baby's papa will answer her calls, Maybe some night will come when I will feel like the most happiest person again.

From today I've started my journey. A journey to raise funds, a journey to bring back a father to his child, a journey to keep my own world from falling apart into nothingness. I don't know how it will be like....I don't know how far I can go.....but Mortoja, you made this world a heaven for me once, you never ever let a strain of sorrow touch me and I promise you I will bring you back one day........... I promise myself I will bring back those starlit nights........I've started a journey with hope in my heart.